Sunday, January 31, 2010

I miss my Dad

I miss my Dad so much. I can't seem to go a day without crying a little bit. Sometimes I feel like I can't cry anymore. Like I have to make myself cry to get some sort of relief. It hurts that bad. Like crying will help me get out some pent up pain. I really wasn't ready for it to happen. I believed that Dad was going to make it. I really did.

It's terrible that Dad isn't seeing Wyatt grow. That really sucks. Wyatt is getting so big and is really starting to enjoy people more. I would have loved for Dad to see Wyatt being all goofy and giggly all the time. It would have been such a joy for him. I wish we'd of had more time.

I'm really trying to deal with this all. I'm sorta dreading this funeral on the 4th. I just don't want to be sad anymore. I don't want to necessarily put Dad behind me, but I do want to move forward. I feel guilty sometimes for thinking that way... like maybe I'll forget him slowly. I'm so scared of forgetting him. The way he talked, laughed, walked (on his toes sorta). When I'm 40 am I going to remember him so vividly as I do now? Those are the sorta things I'm worried about. Why didn't we have a freakin' video camera growing up!? Sometimes when all you have are pictures you just remember a person as 2 dimensional. You sorta forget little gestures that you see in normal body language. Those are the things I don't want to forget. The normal human things that made my Dad who he was.

Anyway, sorry for being so heavy. I hear Wyatt on the baby monitor. Good night.

1 comment:

  1. Oh Jess. I'm so sorry for your loss. Take your time and do what your heart tells you. And don't worry, you will remember him. I remember my grandma so well that it feels like she never left.


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