Thursday, July 28, 2011

Missing my Dad

This past week I haven't been able to sleep at night without crying a little bit about my Dad. I'm really missing him more than ever. There is so much that has changed and our lives are all so different, and it just seems like it's too much. I miss being able to talk to him on his drive home from work, that's when he used to check in with me. It was nice, and now I'm missing that.

My Dad has always been my everything. As a teenager I of course rebelled, but his opinion of me was always the most important. I would easily be crushed if I knew he was disappointed in me, ever. And of course, there were times when he was - I was pretty bad. For awhile we really lacked in communication. He didn't know how to reach out to me as a teenager, and I was rebelling. I regret these things so much because I was missing out on so much precious time.

It's so weird when someone dies, because it's almost like your heart can't quite accept it. You know the reality, but your heart is saying NO. I still can't quite believe that my Dad is gone.

During my Dad's last week, he was being taken care of by hospice and we were all by his side. I had the opportunity to be alone with him a few times. Once I got to hug him and tell him it was me, and he sorta hugged me back and mumbled kinda softly, "I love you baby girl". That just means so much to me and it's something I'll always hold on to forever.

(My Dad passed away from colon cancer January 2010 at 44 years old)

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