Ever since I went to that show a couple weeks back, something changed in me. I realized that I was living my life like I hated it. I felt like I couldn't do things because I was being held back... by motherhood. It's weird what happened to me once I had a baby. And it probably started when I found out I was pregnant. I sort of just labeled myself as a Mom and I stopped caring about the things that I once loved. I thought, "Nope, gotta be a mom now." and then I just pushed all my other interests out of my mind and thought that this is what things were going to be like from now on.
And of course, my husband has not held himself back like I have, and so we have not been on the same page for awhile. We have a loving relationship, but there's been this strange difference in us. I saw it as him being immature and that I was obviously doing the right thing by sacrificing everything to be this super mom. But really, he's a great dad and still is able to have interests and fun and be himself. And I think it's just taken me all this time to really figure out that I NEED to be the same way to gain my sanity back.
I've really relaxed this month... and I can feel a weight lifting off of me. I'm realizing that I'm only (almost) 25 and I AM cool and I can have fun. And it's totally awesome and healthy for my kid to see me as this too. I don't want to be resentful and pissed all the time because of my own choices of holding myself back. I'm proving nothing to anyone, and I'm making myself feel like the hugest prude ever. Maybe turning 25 is making me think more? I have never had a birthday be such a milestone for me. I feel like such an adult, yet still holding on to being young and kid. Is this normal? I'm thinking probably.
I feel so ambitious to LIVE and experience life alongside Josh (and of course Wyatt too). I'm in love with music again and putting together outfits and making art and just being inspired. I really am starting to feel like myself again. I think the last 2 years has been a really funky one for me. So much heartache and stress (father dying, deployments, some post partum depression) and now I'm finally separating myself from those things and really coming on top.
I could go on and on about how I can't wait for the future and to see what it brings. I really feel like I was meant to do big things, but I just don't know what. I feel such a tightness in my chest when I think about it. Sorry if this post is a little too revealing. I just see the world as such an exciting thing for me right now. I'm seeing things in a brighter/newer way. I'm hoping it could be contagious to some of you other moms that are feeling held back and alone. We put this ugly thing on ourselves when we become moms. Yes it's beautiful and wonderful and you love like you haven't loved before, but what happens to us inside? You're still you, and you're still cool and can contribute to this world.
And if you're not a mom, that's cool too. I realize that we all tend to do things like this from time to time. Where we judge our own selves and feel inadequate and sell ourselves short. Well, let's just stop it already.