Friday, November 4, 2011

Not having more children...

I was talking to a friend yesterday about how there are so many things that people are afraid to admit when they're first time moms... or maybe even 2nd, or 3rd time around moms even. There's this un-written rule that we're supposed to just magically fall in love with our babies the second we see them and that everything is just magical and unicorn poop. But in reality, it's not like that for everyone. It wasn't like that for me. While I felt a connection, and a love for Wyatt, I was not IN-love with Wyatt yet. It wasn't until he started "giving back" so to speak that I started to feel a connection. The coos and cuddles and all that jazz is what I needed to start feeling like this was going to get easier. It's hard, it really is. 

I honestly don't know when or if I will have another baby. I really love where we are now with Wyatt's age and how strong and loving our relationship is. I know if I had another baby that I would of course get to the point I am now, again... but, I don't know if I want to. There is no doubt in my mind that I suffered from post partum depression for at least the first year of Wyatt's life. I always wonder if I'd feel that way again with another baby? While, the odds felt against me with Wyatt's first year (dad dying 3 months after he was born, Josh deploying for 8 months, and Wyatt's COLIC!!!), I still fear for post partum depression with a second baby. 

I feel so much clearer now than I have ever, especially since he's turned 2. Things have just clicked in ways that they never have before. While, things are definitely challenging now, and there are days that I want to scream, it definitely beats the countless hours of nursing and just staring at this baby that wants nothing but to be held 24/7. 

I slowly but surely got to where I needed to be, and I've always loved and provided for my child. But I'd be lying if I didn't feel selfish and miss my time back then. There is nothing that will truly prepare you for having a child. No matter what, it is a shock to your little world. So while I went into it thinking I knew what to expect and that I could handle it no problem, I was wrong. These are things that you literally could never truly understand until the time comes.

I guess this is just a post explaining how I am happy and content where I am right now. There are things that of course worry me, but I'm happy to have a toddler. 

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