Monday, January 2, 2012

My Dad

I have sort of sworn off these sort of posts because I started to feel like they made me look needy or like I'm seeking attention. I have purposely stopped blogging about my Dad and my feelings about missing him. I don't know why. I've even stopped mentioning him on Facebook... it all just felt so desperate to me. And the thing is, I really don't think it's needy when some of my family members do it, because I feel the same way they do inside. But it's just hard for me to share about him now. I guess I just don't want to seem weak.

For those that don't know, my Dad died of colon cancer almost exactly 2 years ago this week. It was a really hard time for all of us and we were by his side for a ridiculously long time watching him slowly die (it was only ridiculous because it felt like he was suffering forever). We were all wishing that he'd die, and it gave us mixed feelings of guilt wishing something like that, but when you see someone you love suffering, you know that death is merciful.

I have managed to block out the image of my Dad dying. Which worried me that I never would be able to do since it was so raw and real in my brain for so long. I'm now remembering him like I did when I was actually a teenager. Which is weird because it must be my strongest opinion of him... weird psyche.

I have been wondering like crazy lately what he'd think of all the changes going on in my life (it's my personal belief that he's not "looking down on me"). I hate to make it about me, because it's obviously not just about me... but I did always worry about what he thought. I wonder if he'd think it was crazy that I out of the blue would create a design business, be blogging to a bunch of cool people, or what he thought about me moving to Arizona. My Dad had my step mom, me, and my aunt's blogs all bookmarked on his navigational bar on his computer. He'd email me asking when I'm going to update my blog so he could see pictures of Wyatt. He thought blogging was cool! And he's right, it is.

That's why I'm going to post this. After all, this is still a place where I share my thoughts and feelings.

I really miss my Dad greatly and there's not a day that goes by where I don't think about him. I'm always wishing I could call him or ask him for advice on something. Or even just tell him what amazing thing Wyatt just did. Life really fucking sucks sometimes and we're dealt shitty cards. He was someone who shouldn't have died and it's really tragic that he's gone so soon.

I don't really know how to end this post. So maybe I'll just share a picture of him. This is how I see my Dad. He had a really huge smile. I love how healthy he looks here.


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