Thursday, April 12, 2012

Alone. I like it.

Yes, I love my child and I try to give him everything he needs, but I'm a very selfish person too. I'm finding myself desperately holding onto what I once was... I have this overwhelming desire for independence and simply being young. (I know I've whined about this before on my blog.)

When Wyatt was first born I decided to just give up on myself. There was no point in anything else because life was fucking OVER. There was no more having fun, and I was just a pair of tits with milk. Looking back I realize I had post partum and it didn't help that Josh was either deployed or not knowing how to be a Dad. It was a terrible time and has scared me off from ever having kids again (which I'm okay with). 

Now I've reached this point of motherhood where Wyatt is more independent and I'm doing more things, Josh has stepped up and is super hands on with Wyatt, and so freedom has become such an addiction for me. How often can I get away? I love just being alone. 

I guess what it comes down to is that, yes, I love my family, but I don't want to be around them all the time. I want to be alone too. I like being alone with my thoughts. I like feeling like myself, even if it's just for a few hours. This is a really hard thing for me to balance for some reason. 

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