Friday, August 24, 2012

How to Contain a Bunch of Kids in the Patio for One Hour

How to Contain a Bunch of Kids in the Patio for One Hour
A Ghetto Parenting Featurette by wrongaypeachfuzz

Alright, so here is the sitch: You just finished dinner and the kids now have fuel in their bodies to be rowdy. Your kitchen is not clean and you have an “after dinner” headache from yelling at your kids to eat their dinners.You need them out of your hair for a bit.

How to deal? Here’s how:

Things you will need:
  • Restless kids
  • Sidewalk Chalk
  • Hose
  • Paint brushes
  • Marshmallows and something better than marshmallows*
  •  Towels
*The treats increasing in awesomeness is key. You cannot start with the grand finale, yah get?

Phase one: It’s a Water Park in the Patio, Guys!!!!!!!! WOOOOOO!

(buys about 10 minutes)


Somehow, hang your hose up to create a “shower” and let the kids get wet. In true ghetto fashion, I wedge ours in between the fence slats. Boom-- you have created a water park for them. I actually tell them it IS a water park in our patio, and somehow this makes it okay.  I also say “WOOOOO!” a bunch of times and emphasize “how AWESOME this is”. They are young and will buy it.

Phase two:  Treatsatizer
(Buys about 10 minutes)


When you start to hear the kids getting restless, or fighting over the water, simply knock on the sliding glass door to get their attention and show them you have marshmallows. You don't even have to speak to them. They will stop fighting immediately, and you will buy yourself 10 more minutes of coveted "you time"…maybe more depending on what your kids do with the marshmallows. Show them that if you get a mallow wet, it will stick to the fence. It’s a rental, what do you care?

Phase 3: Chalk Paint
(buys appx 20 minutes)


They have consumed all the marshmallows and are getting punchy with eachother again. Grab a bucket of sidewalk chalk. The more the better. Let them figure out on their own that when you mix chalk and water they can create paint. My kids like to paint themselves into avatars.

Phase 4: Paintbrushes
(buys appx 20 minutes)


THIS is the game changer, folks! They have already painted their bodies, now let them paint whatever else using paint brushes, sponges or whatever other things you can think of. Change it up and give them stamps one day.  There are wet pools of chalky water all over the cement; they don’t need too much prompting to go for it, I promise. Plus, again, you live in a RENTAL and your landlord still hasn’t fixed your broken disposal!!?! SO, whatevs.

Phase 5: Dessert and wrap up


When they have had enough and can clearly see you have tricked them into thinking they have an awesome backyard of fun and adventure, give them dessert. I like to do pudding or Jell-o (served  outside) and this buys me a few more minutes. Heck, if they are like my kids, they will begin to paint with the pudding and by this point, I don’t care. Take the hose down and tell them to hose all the chalk hieroglyphs off the fence, your glass door and the stucco of the house. Have them hose themselves off a bit, dry off enough and shuffle them into the next part of your day.
Tah-Dah! You have had an hour-they have done something they think is spectacular and maybe now your house is cleaner, or you were able to watch an episode of Breaking Bad on Netflix. Because that show is freaking awesome.

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