Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Sometimes I yell

I almost didn't blog tonight. Today has been pretty stupid. I'm emotional and easily irritated and unfortunately have been super short with Wyatt. My tolerance level for anything is pretty much non-existent. If I were a mature adult, I'd tell you that I'm probably pmsing- but ain't no body got time to track cycles. I was sooooo extra special, at one point I yelled, "Please for the love of God, get out of my room and leave me alone for 5 minutes". Yeah, I know. I feel pretty awful about that one.

He was glued to me all day with a super terrible attitude, which is the worst. If he wants to be my little shadow, at least be sweet and kind about it. So much screaming and crying and fits over nothing. Yes, I realize that there was an underlying issue, but I was an asshole and needed space. I suck. No, you cannot have a popsicle for breakfast. Please stop screaming in the kitchen.

It was finally bed time and I was OMGREADY to embrace it. Yes. Let's please start a new day. Maybe he'll be sweeter in the morning. Maybe I'LL BE SWEETER in the morning. I just needed to get a break.

I was tucking him in and he asked me for a hug and a kiss, which I leaned in to do. He then said, "Imma be nice to you so you not yell at me anymore."

What.
The.
Hell.

Did someone teach him the art of passive aggression? Because, well played little player.

I am the worst mother ever... I felt so awful. I stayed in his room with him until he fell asleep because of the overwhelming mommy-guilt. I loved on him super extra. Of course I love him, but I felt like I wasn't showing him enough today. I don't want him to ever feel like anything is his fault. At least not at 3. It's not his fault.

I wish I had the awesome patience some other mothers have. How do they deal with the shrill screams and the out and out defiance? Drugs? Crack? I'm discovering there must be a secret club/book/drug that I don't know about. I try to not yell, but I admit that I still do it on my bad days. On those "bad days" I feel like if I have to repeat myself one more freaking time, my face might just actually explode. How do some moms not feel like that?

I dunno where I'm even going with this post. I guess I feel like our little night time cuddle fest was what we needed after a crappy whiney day, and it made us feel a little better. I told Wyatt we were gonna have a great day tomorrow, but what I wanted to say was, "I promise I won't yell at you". But promising that was something I didn't feel honest doing- because I'm afraid of breaking my word. I want to mean it, I really do... but I know I need to work on it.

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