Sunday, May 26, 2013

I'm sorry for being a wishy washy blogger

I know I shouldn’t… I know it’s looked at as some kind of weak response to address topics discussed over at GOMI. I’ve managed to somehow stay off their radar for a while now. I’m one of those that can’t help but click over when I see I’m getting traffic from over there. It’s human nature I guess and I can't help but see the writing on the bathroom stall. I do try to learn from the things they say and I have agreed sometimes when GOMIers call me out. I’m not perfect, I know. I’m sure I’m as transparent as anyone else discussed.

Yes, I’ve gained weight. I’ve gained close to 30 pounds. I’ve done A LOT of yo-yo dieting this year. I felt desperate to get back to the weight I was before moving to California, and so I would do a desperate diet for a week or two and then come crashing like crazy. The need to eat and be a bum always ended up outweighing (literally) the need to be fit. It was a downward spiral that I was trying to get out of, but instead was making it worse for myself because the weight would creep on more and more. Starve yourself for a week- next week EAT ALL THE THINGS. It’s so embarrassing but what can I say? That’s exactly what happened. And I was stupid enough to blog about it every time. Wanna know why? Because I convinced myself each time that this was going to OMG BE THE CHANGE. But it never was.

Have I changed? Honestly, I am not completely sure. It’s been almost 3 weeks of eating well, tracking on my fitness pal app, running (I’m up to running a slow two miles a day and I’m not gonna lie, it’s killing me trying to get back to the level of fitness that I used to be), and going to that Body Boot camp I joined. I am not consistently weighing myself this time so I don’t have a completely accurate number to report, but a few days ago I got on the scale and I was down 3 lbs and my jeans are not making me lose circulation anymore. My family says they’re noticing that I’m losing and that made me over the moon because I’m doing this all by look and feel instead of what the scale says. I guess that’s why it hurt so much when I read that my weight was being discussed on GOMI (although, if I put it out there to discuss, I should expect others to discuss it as well, I know this). I am trying really hard and I’m trying to do it the healthiest way possible (which for me, is not going into extremes anymore and allowing myself to have cheat days and live. This also helps me from crashing my diet). I’m finally over the hump that was always so hard for me. Now eating healthy is getting easier and easier and I’m not totally resenting my workouts. I’m also trying to not spam you all with weight loss posts (please don’t count this one!) because I know it’s probably not what people want to read anymore. But it is what I’m going through right now and sometimes it’s all I have left to talk about at the end of the day.

I know I shouldn’t read what’s on GOMI if I can’t handle it. I can’t seem to take my own advice and so this is the consequence, I guess. I know I should develop a thicker skin if I am going to be reading over there, and I feel like I have for the most part. I can handle the comments/snark about my blog and if something is lame or stupid or whatever, but talking about my body just made me feel awful. I guess this felt extra unpleasant because someone else was noticing the damage I’ve done to my body. While I knew what was happening, I was hoping it wasn’t as obvious to others as it was to me.

I try to not sugar coat or only post beautiful photos because that’s not my life. I knew that when I posted this photo the other day it wasn’t my best photo. The angle is coming from slightly below and I’m holding a goddamn turkey leg, but whatever. That’s what I looked like at that moment. A lot of people have met/or know me that read my blog and there’s no point in pretending that I look skinny and beautiful all the time.  

The bottom line is that I’m sorry for being very wishy washy with my weight loss posts. I know I’m a huge hypocrite and it’s embarrassing to me. It’s more embarrassing that I was yo-yoing more than the actual weight gain itself. I’m making a conscious effort to be better all around- stick to what I say. I want to respect myself again and know that I worked hard for something. I kinda don’t know what else to say about it except that I’m working within myself this time. 

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