The past couple of years I felt like I had nothing to be thankful for. Yeah, I know that sounds ungrateful, but it’s true. I was mad, jaded, depressed… everything sucked and I had literally given up hope. My family suffered through financial troubles and we felt like we were stuck in a place we didn’t love. The only joy we’d get would be from planning to move in the next 5 years and hopefully start our life over again. Our 5 year plan felt lightyears away and to be quite honest, I didn’t even believe it in my heart. I was too focused on the now and how heavy everything felt around me. Doing simple tasks around the house felt so difficult and I just wanted to curl up in the fetal position.
Of course there were some good things. I had an outlet with my job that brought me some happiness. We laughed at work everyday and that in itself was a form of medicine. I loved going to work because I felt like I needed it. But my husband had nothing to really get him out of his funk (completely jobless) and I could see that Wyatt was becoming affected by us. He’d often say how he wanted to move and that he hated Arizona. It surprised me so much that my then 4 year old was able to recognize that his life wasn’t very good where we were. Nothing will depress you more than seeing your kid not be as happy as they should be.
This past summer I had went home for a few days thanks to my Grandpa. It felt so good to be around my family on the east coast and Wyatt had a blast. After I went home my aunt and uncle offered to move my family and I to Philly and help us get a fresh start. At first we didn’t know how to accept such an offer and it felt so sudden, we couldn’t process it. After awhile we finally decided to go for it and we took the plunge so to speak.
2014 was a year that I thought sucked donkey balls. Josh and I would often say we hope 2015 is better, but it was just words that we never believed. Wow, 2014 has really grabbed my past shitty life by the nuts and really showed it who’s boss. This year has become one of the best things that have happened to me and I’m feeling eternally grateful. The reality of living in Philly and with a job that’s super amazeballs still feels extremely new to me. I’m constantly reminded that this life is ALL MINE and that this is how it’ll be from now on. I’m still struggling with the question of do I deserve it? Slowly and cautiously I’m accepting this new life and feeling relief for the first time in years. I can feel my anxiety lessening everyday and the pressure subsiding. I’m not all the way there yet, but I think it’s because I’ve conditioned myself to feel this crippling stress and to wallow in it. The point that I’m trying to make is that I’m a work in progress and I am so elated to see myself become better.
I am extremely thankful, finally, for the first time in a long time. I have so many people to thank and I feel like a simple “thank you” isn’t enough. The least I can do is type out this general thank you to God and the universe and just try to pay it forward as much as I can.